Tears in Heaven
by flashpenguin
Summary: How did Em become Dave's sounding board? And what happened after Dave was left alone in the cemetery? Hopefully this post ep one-shot will help shed some light. *WARNING* Delicate subject matter.


_I know that the odds are very low that a child born with this very rare birth defect would be delivered alive. I am borrowing a moment from my cousin's life when her second child was born with the same condition as Rossi's son. Just like Rossi, my cousin's husband was the one who held Emerick and was with him to the end. And just like Rossi, he wished he had traded places with my cousin, who only got to touch her infant son's foot. This story is dedicated to them and every parent who has lost a child._

_Post ep to "Epilogue"._

_Song prompt: "Tears In Heaven" by Eric Clapton._

**Tears In Heaven**

Spreading out the light weight blanket, Dave Rossi carefully lowered himself to the ground at the foot of the tiny grave. It had been so long since he had made a visit, he wondered if he even had the right to say hello anymore.

But he needed that small bit of comfort that everything he had done and all that had transpired between him and Carolyn hadn't been in vain. But all he could think was that he failed. And nothing was going to change that.

What could he say to take the hurt from his heart? Or assuage the guilt on his conscience?

The sun beat down hot, but he didn't care. Some how he had to make peace…or find peace. He didn't care how long it took. Lost inside his own thoughts, he didn't hear the person come up from behind.

"May I join you?" Em's soft dulcet toned voice spoke from behind.

Dave's eyes never left the little gravestone. "What are you doing here?" he asked tonelessly.

"I figured that even though you told me that you were taking Carolyn's death pretty well, you might still need someone to talk to," Em replied. She moved closer to the blanket. "Do you want to talk?"

"About what?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "Anything?" Her big brown eyes looked deep into his and held until he was forced to look away.

Dave shifted his weight to make room for her. "Have a seat," he offered.

Setting down, Em crossed her legs Indian style. She looked at the name engraved on the tombstone. "Your son…with Carolyn?" she hedged carefully.

"Yes."

"I thought you didn't have any children," she pointed out matter of fact. "There is nothing in your records…"

"My records didn't lie; I was twenty three…in the Marines, and Carolyn was twenty one when…" Dave trailed off. His lips twitched as he tried to control his emotions. "That was a couple years before I joined the FBI. By then she and I were divorced and I was on my way to marriage number two."

"Does Hotch know?" Em wondered.

"No." Short and simple was his reply that indicated he didn't want to pursue the subject further.

"I thought you two shared everything." It surprised her that Dave had just as many secrets as anyone else. It made him seem almost…human.

"Some things need to remain personal. You know that better than anyone," Dave leveled at her.

Em nodded in agreement. "I do."

"I had pushed him to the corner of my mind lately - what with everything that has been happening at work and…you, well…I guess Carolyn's death made me realize that I'd been neglecting him lately."

"I know," Em agreed. "It wasn't until I was alone and had time to analyze everything that I truly began to dig down and expose those emotions. It took nearly dying to realize what I had been running from. I have come to accept that he or she will always be a part of my life," her voice quavered but her smile was genuine.

In the distance the birds chirped a melancholy tune that only added to the solitude.

"What happened?" she asked carefully. "Was he…stillborn?"

"Sort of. He was born encephalic."

"I'm sorry," Em replied automatically. What could she say that could take the hurt away?

"It happens…at least that's what the doctor's said. Back in '79 they didn't have the technology they have now…" Dave paused as he tried to find the words to continue. "It's rare and they still don't know what causes it. I'm sure Reid could go into the specifics, but that won't change what's already happened."

Em held her breath as her friend continued.

"I remember when we got the news that she was pregnant; we were so excited…since I had been told that I had a low sperm count and probably would never father a child. Carolyn did everything she was supposed to, to insure a healthy baby. She painted the room this powder blue and bought everything that even had the word 'baby' attached to it. " For a moment his eyes glowed from the memory, and then it was gone. Dave swallowed hard. "Maybe it was my cigar smoke or the scotch…"

Em reached out and touched his shoulder softly. "It wasn't you…"

"I know that now…or at least I try not to feel guilty, but…" He shook his head sorrowfully. "I kept praying that everything would be alright and that the doctors were wrong. I prayed so much on my knees I can still feel the cold from the stone floor of the church. I don't know how many hours I spent on the phone with Father Jimmy and the base Chaplain looking for answers that never came…"

Dave glanced at the grave, then at his hands. "I was there with Carolyn that morning when they induced her labour. The doctor tried to talk me out of it, but I wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer. She…they ended up doing a Cesarean; I made sure I never let go of her hand. When they delivered him, he didn't cry…he made this sort of mew sound - like a kitten." Dave blinked fast as tears clouded his vision. "I wish I had taken a picture…the doctors had warned us that he might be malformed, but he was the most beautiful baby in the world…"

Choking on the emotion that threatened to break loose, Dave used everything in his power not to break down in front of Emily Prentiss.

"You saw him?" Em whispered.

Dave nodded. "I had to. He was my son. His hair was black and he was much better looking than Winston Churchill," he quipped hoarsely. "The doctors back then, didn't think it was wise for Carolyn to see him because of the medications they gave her and the surgery, but I pulled the blanket back and let her touch his foot. She spoke to him about how she loved him and everything was going to be alright…"

"What happened?"

"They let me hold him for a little while before they took him to the NICU…but they couldn't do much for him." A single tear broke free to race down Dave's cheek. "I was with him to the end. I talked to him and sang some silly song that I don't even remember any more. And just like that - he was gone. He slipped so quietly that they weren't sure what time to put down on the certificate. The last thing I told him was that I was proud to be his daddy and that I loved him so much," Dave spoke. Then he broke down.

Covering his face with his hands, shameless sobs shook his body. Thirty years of sorrow finally broke free and Dave finally cleansed his soul of the guilt he had been carrying around for decades. Silently, Em stayed where she was - her comfort coming in the form of her presence and not words. Though she had not gone thru what Dave had, she too had suffered a loss that she swore she buried deep down…until that one thing happened to cause the dam to burst. And when it had, Dave had been there for her with a shoulder and strength to hold on to. Now it was her turn to payback the favour.

Reaching out, she took Dave's hand in her's and held tight.

"Sometimes…sometimes I wish I hadn't seen him," Dave wept. "I know it sounds cruel, but…it should have been the other way around - me touching his foot and Carolyn holding him." His hand shook as Dave wiped his eyes. "His face haunted me for so long. I wondered for so many years what I could have done differently."

"You did all you could," Em comforted. "It was different back then, than it is now. People understand better. You did the best you could for him…for Carolyn…and for yourself."

"She…she decided on the name David for him," Dave finally said as he took a shuddered breath.

"Who?"

"Carolyn. She wanted to name him after me - even though I had thought we had settled on Andrew." He took a deep breath, then let it out. "And not a year after the baby…she filed for divorce. She blamed me."

"I don't think…" Em argued.

"She did, Emily," Dave contradicted. "Why else would she have chosen to end her life that night and then die in my arms? She blamed me for this." The sound of his heart break coated every word.

"It was no one's fault. Maybe she knows that now," Em added as an afterthought. "Now I know why you understood me…with Matthew and…that." She blinked to ease the painful prick of tears blocking her vision.

Dave tightened his hold on Em's hand. "I do."

"The pain of losing a child never goes away," she stated rhetorically.

"It dulls," he admitted, "but they are always here," he placed his hand over his heart, "and here," he touched Em's head. "I like to think that he is my angel."

He paused before speaking again. "I knew you'd come here," he stated and gave a slight grin at her surprised look. "Of all the people at the BAU, you are the one I knew would find me here."

"I wanted to go with you to the funeral, but I thought maybe you wanted to be alone," she confessed.

"All you had to do was ask," he chided gently.

Em shrugged. "Well, it's not the first funeral I missed," she retorted cynically. "Sorry, Rossi," she apologized. "I…"

"Dave," he corrected.

"What?"

"My friends call me Dave. I think the secrets you and I have shared more than entitles you to call me by my first name…Emily." He gave her his crooked smile, but it was weak and his heart wasn't in it. But he tried.

"Dave." His name rolled off her tongue as though she had been saying it for years.

"The other day you were talking about not seeing a light on the other side when you died; why do you think that was?" he inquired.

She shook her head. "I don't know; maybe I didn't really die. I know I coded, but I don't think I really was gone long enough to see anything."

"Do you think it's possible that Carolyn saw the light every one talks about?"

Em weighed her words carefully. She understood that Dave needed closure, but he didn't need to be lied to…not during this painful time of his life. And she had to bite her tongue about Carolyn. So she chose to remain neutral.

"I don't know, Dave; I hope that she found peace," Em said finally. "I think that is something we all want to find."

Dave looked at his watch. "It's getting late, Emily," he observed. "Why don't we go get something to eat?"

"Dave…that's not necessary," she protested.

"Consider it my thank you for listening, and I can officially welcome you back to the land of the living," he continued with a smile, and this time it was real.

"Okay," she agreed, "but could we stay here for just a few more minutes? There is just something peaceful that I can't put my finger on," she observed.

"I know what you mean." Dave paused for a moment in thought. "If I feel the need to talk again, do you think I could call on you? If you're not busy kicking up your heels and painting the town red," he kidded, but his heart hoped he was wrong.

Em nodded with a wide smile. "I think I can work you into my busy nonexistent schedule."

For a long moment they sat on the blanket and just reflected on the sanctity and serenity that surrounded them.

Reaching for Em's hand, Dave held it firm but loosely.

"Thank you, Emily," he spoke softly.

"Thank you, Dave," she replied.

And those two words said everything because they had found a friend they could trust.


End file.
